Written by Erika Kay, Akaa blogger extraordinaire, College of Wooster ’13
So, I watched a Ted Talk and it changed my life. It’s easy to say that with honesty these days. With such a wealth of pioneers being excellently exhibited through Ted Talks, it’s hard to remember and like them all.
But, I’m not kidding when I say this one changed my life: Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability. Brené Brown is many things: researcher, storyteller, scholar, author, and public speaker. But it is my belief that she is so much more; her research is leading a revolution that changes the way we treat others and ourselves.
Check it out, to start her Ted Talk, Brené Brown explains that, “connection is why we’re here. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” By connection she is referring to humans connecting with other humans. It’s an emotional experience, empathy, sympathy, compassion, and love. These are all examples of human connection. What she’s saying is that we, as people, rely entirely on each other to create meaningful lives for one and other. Human connection makes the difference. I know, that seems so obvious and self-explanatory, but it’s not the coolest part yet.
Well, what it comes down to is the question, what is stopping connection? If connection, mutual human understanding and compassion, is so simple and obvious, what is getting in the way? Brené Brown, the smart lady that she is, explains that the major source of disconnection is the very fear of disconnection. Rejection. The fear of rejection, the fear of disconnection, also known as shame, gets in the way of human connection. Okay, we humans strive for connection to give us purpose, and the major thing standing in our way is ourselves, our own shame. Now we’re getting somewhere.
So now, let’s reword this a little. We’re dealing with our own shame and fear as our biggest enemy getting in the way of a purposeful life. Well, shame + fear = vulnerability. This is the meat of the conversation, vulnerability. What inhibits connection? Vulnerability.
If you meet someone and they are a mirror image of your lifestyle, your social circle, and your values, getting along happens pretty easily. Getting to know that person barely upsets your comfort zone. But what about when we attempt to connect with someone in which we barely see ourselves? Or what about times when we reach out to someone and there’s a chance of rejection? That’s hard. Vulnerability slows us down.
Here comes the coolest part. Brené Brown defines certain kinds of people as “whole hearted” people. By this she means people who feel worthy of love and acceptance. Well, she found that these “whole hearted” people shared several characteristics, including courage, compassion, and connection. But most importantly, these “whole hearted” individuals experienced an acceptance of vulnerability! It doesn’t mean these folks love feeling vulnerable, but it also means these folks don’t find vulnerability excruciating.
So here’s the paradox that causes so much trouble: shame and vulnerability are our biggest roadblocks when it comes to a sense of worthiness and connection, AND, it turns out, vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, belonging, creativity, compassion, and love. To be connected to each other, to feel worthy of the love and acceptance we seek, we need to embrace being vulnerable sometimes!
That right there, the ability for vulnerability to act as both an inhibitor and a necessary means to an end, that’s what blew my mind. And that is why I find Brené Brown’s work so fundamental to human connectivity, purposeful living, and happiness. That’s why her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead is next on my reading list.
The Akaa Project works hard to foster real human connectivity within the Ghanaian community we’ve become a part of, but also across borders between and among volunteers and Ghanaians alike. We are not novices when it comes to the realm of vulnerability. Those of us who have spent time in the village have found that we have to get pretty comfortable in a state of vulnerability all the time!
Our founder, Lauren Grimanis, remarked on a time when she resisted feeling vulnerable and it actually harmed her ability to properly connect with the community she was trying to help. “I’ve never been good with foreign languages, and I’m even worse when it comes to tonal languages; words blur together and sound the same. For the first couple years traveling to Ghana, I felt so insecure when it came to the language that I formed a bad habit of just blocking it out. I just wouldn’t listen if it wasn’t English.
“It made community meetings and speaking to locals particularly difficult, as I would need a translator. That also meant that I would need to walk around the village with someone who could speak English. While I only traveled to Ghana about once year while in college, I look back and think we probably could have made progress faster if I did not have this mental block.
My ears opened up to Ghanaian language when village teenagers started to teach me beyond my basics. When I started being able to tell the old women in the village where I was going (as I walked by, they would ask me “where to?” in Krobo), is when everything changed. The women would start asking more, so I learned how to respond and then wait for their smiles and claps when I got it right. This is when I truly started making the deep connections and building amazing relationships that I have today.
Even now, sometimes everyone breaks out in laughter at something I say, and that used to be horrifying, but I’ve learned to join in the laughter. Me, sounding stupid and letting my insecurities be embraced developed into trust, respect and openness.”
We know that vulnerability is a hurdle, and we agree with Brené Brown when we say it’s a necessary hurdle. Without vulnerability, culture shock, acceptance of difference, and realizations of similarities, The Akaa Project would never be able to exist! We are humbled when our moments of vulnerability are met with Ghanaian generosity and we’ve learned to accept that we are often just dumb Americans!
So listen to Brené Brown! We like the message she’s spreading and we embrace vulnerability to achieve human connectivity every day.
Off